Being Me

It’s the 90’s, one of my most turbulent decades and also the most educational. Fresh face and wide eyed I stepped out into the world of higher learning and I definitely got a lot more than I paid for. My first real experience with another man, a beautiful sadistic perfectly sculpted god of a person. Curly dark hair, olive skin complexion, piercing blue eyes and a boyish smile that would melt my will. I would happily follow his instructions without worry or concern how dangerous things looked if I had been thinking rationally. George (not his real name) helped me discover what I had been curious about for some time already, yes indeed I liked men as well as women, I was bisexual.

Being bisexual at that time, especially male was risky. George and I carried on for some time but all things come to an end. I wish him no ill will, I will forever be fond of the memories. Now I had the realization I didn’t need to be ashamed of liking men, unfortunately back then I wore my feeling on the outside and was easy to read. Months after George and I had gone out separate ways I was in a place I really needed to hide my desire for a couple guys I was around. I started looking for places I could be relaxed and free to be me.

The dank building was dimly lit, the smell of stale beer and cigarettes was hardly a deterrent as I entered the place. The Rainbow Room it was called. A bar area in the middle surrounded by round tables scattered about and a few booths. The Culture Club, Duran Duran, and the Eurythmics played as the night went on. I was new meat here and more than a few eyes were on me. One brave soul came up and offered me a drink. Small talk lead to a decent conversation, he was in finance and just got out of a relationship. Hours passed and he finally got to brass tack, “So how long have you been into men?” I explained I was fairly new only having been with one other man. He asked me if I really was gay, that took me by surprise, of course I told him I like women as well. That is when I got my first lesson in bisexual men being the lowest form of life on the earth to some people. He got up with a look of disgust. A few minutes later the bartender asked me to leave because it was a “Gay Bar” I limped out head hung low as I heard I was probably just trying to play gay.

In the parking lot I was confronted by the guy I had been talking two and a couple other guys. They told me I was a disease and many other things. I never saw the right cross coming, it spun me around and I landed on the hood of a car. A couple minutes of them hitting, kicking and spitting on me then I was left there. Broken nose, split lip and bruised ribs, I was lucky it wasn’t worse. The marks healed but the experience never left, since then I have learned to be more cautious.

Over the years I have acquired a collection of my favorite things said about bisexual men, we are just to scared to believe we are really gay, we are only half out of the closet, we are disease spreaders, confused, disturbed, maladjusted, freaks and so on. The real reason I am putting this out there is because recently I see so many that people from all orientations that feel they need to be reassured and given a pat of the back for sticking to their convictions of how they are. I’m here to tell you it is not needed. Be strong in who you are, people will come and go. Opinions will sway and change but one thing will be the same if you are true to yourself, you will know who and what you are.